Lessons Learned in the Hallway Part 1

A few weeks ago I spoke at Graystone Church about trusting God in difficult times.  I took an illustration from Sam Chand’s book, Leadership Pain, where he describes the hard season a person is going through is like being in a dark hallway…with no open door in sight.

I ran out of time that Sunday and didn’t get to share the section of my message detailing some of the lessons I learned in the hallway so I am going to take a few posts and share them one at a time.

The first one is this:  There are lessons to learn in the hallway that cannot be learned anywhere else.  I wish so badly that I didn’t have to go through the terrible season of loss and confusion to learn what God taught me.  But the reality for me was the darkness gave me reason to truly search for God.  Many days the searching seemed futile.  My situation wasn’t getting any better.  In fact, it got a lot worse before it ever began to get any better.  My heart was broken in a million little pieces and I didn’t know how long it would take for God to put it back together,  It took hard work and discipline to continue the search for meaning and truth in the darkness.

It also took faith.  And not a weak, fair-weather type of faith.  The type of faith that believes even when all hope is gone.  I thank God that my parents and UBC church family poured so much of God’s word into me in my growing up years.  I believe this foundation encouraged me to have unshakeable faith during a season that was very dark.

I can look back now and see that God was preparing me for a new season of ministry and I am just now getting a taste of all that He has in store for me.  It is precious and worth every tear, lonely night and shattered dream I experienced.

If you haven’t read Beth Moore’s new story book, Once Upon a Story, it is so worth the read.  Here is an excerpt that melted my heart and gives me so much courage.

“I knew what you’d lose, I knew who you’d lose, I knew when you’d lose. I also knew what you would win if you found me in all you’d lose. 

I saw a fighter in you when you saw a coward in your mirror. I saw the soul I fashioned within you. And I knew that who you thought you were was not the real you. 

I made no coward. I made no mistake. 

The woman I fashioned in her mother’s womb was fierce. She was enduring and believing. She possessed the capacity to love when other hearts would have long ago collapsed.

She had it in her to love fiercely.  And bravely.  To come back to her feet after battles that would leave her broken, and bruised and bloody. “

So this morning and in this new season, I am thankful when I look back on the time spent in the Hallway.  Precious moments were spent with Jesus and as he bottled up my tears, he also put my heart back together.  Piece by piece.

My encouragement to you this morning is to give it all to Jesus.  And do not let today’s circumstances crumble your faith.  Keep leaning on Jesus.

Much love~

Dealing with Anxiety and Uncertainty

One cold winter morning  in yoga class, my heart pounded as I heard the instructor talk about the snow globe.  She described that sometimes life is like a snow globe that is all shaken up.  You know that there is an object at the center of the snow globe but you can not see it because the “snow” is blocking it. It was like she was speaking directly to me.  In that moment, I was in the middle of a very confusing situation and I was struggling to make any sense of it.  I was disappointed, troubled and very anxious.  I could not see what God was doing.

Her lesson encouraged me to have resolve and know that in time, everything would become clear.  There was a reason that God had not revealed the entire picture to me yet and I had to trust that He knew best.

Many of us are experiencing situations that are very uncertain.  Our marriage seems shaky, our children are rebelling, friends have pulled away and financial stress is weighing us down.   We can not see the future and are finding it hard to believe that God is working it all out for us.

What can you do while you are waiting for your “snowglobe” to settle?

1. Spend time daily in God’s word.  He speaks to you from His word and many times we miss out on hearing from Him because we are negligent.
2. Take every thought captive.  The devil lies to you and tells you that God has forgotten or will never answer your prayer.  Don’t let yourself go down a negative thought pattern.
3. Seek godly fellowship.  Who are the people in your life that speak truth to your soul?  Invite them into your dark places so they can encourage you in your hardship.
4. Count your blessings.  Anxiety and praise can not exist at the same moment.  Turn your worry into praise and see how God brings you peace.
5. Think about the HOPE we have in Heaven.  In Heaven there will be no more sickness, death, jealousy, betrayal, sadness or stress.  We were made for eternity and our life here on earth is very short.  Be thankful that you have an eternal home in Heaven.

Where is Jesus in my storm?

Life is hard.  We face so many trials everyday and often, God seems far away.  In our 24 year marriage, Jonathan and I have faced our own share of problems.  From financial stress, family issues, health crisis, we have seen a lot of hard times.  One of these storms came at us in a particularly personal way and we were hit from all sides.  In the middle of what I would call a “perfect storm”,  I asked Jonathan, “Will we make it through?”.

You see I felt like the waves, wind and the howling all around me were too much for me to survive.  My heart was broken in a million pieces and fear and sadness had taken over.  There were times when I could not feel the Lord close to me and I wondered why He was allowing me to suffer in the storm.

In the short term, I let anxiety win.  I gave into my fears and sadness and felt the downward spiral.

I guess I am not much different that the disciples.  They fearfully weathered a terrible storm for 9 hours while Jesus slept on the boat.  Jesus allowed the storm.  Why would he do that?

I think there are lots of reasons but the one that has proven true in my situation was that I had some growing up to do.  There were some lessons that I hadn’t learned and growth that had not happened in my life.  He also was shaping my heart and changing me from the inside out.  He was always with me…he heard prayers and wiped my tears.  Even when everything was cloudy and tossed about, he steadied my feet and kept me from falling.

And as I waited out the storm, He did something powerful.  It didn’t happen right away.  In fact, it was 9 months into the storm when the miracle happened.  I was listening to a podcast and the speaker told the story of David and Goliath.  Before David’s epic battle he recounts how the Lord was with him when he fought the lion on the bear and that He would be with him when he fought the giant.  God had prepared him for the battle.  Then she went on to explain that many of our private battles happen in the spiritual realm, where no one else sees the war.  But WE KNOW how the enemy has attacked us and WE SEE the spiritual battle for our hearts and souls.  I began to weep because I felt like the Lord was speaking to my soul saying that He was there in my storm.  He was fighting for me when the enemy was attacking.  Others did not see it, but the Lord was with me in the fire.

Remembering this powerful moment brings tears to my eyes today.  I am a different person than I was a year ago.  The Lord drew me to Himself in a way I never expected.

Today I am facing new trials and am in a different type of storm.  What lessons have I learned that will help me not give in to fear and anxiety?

• I am not alone.  Angels are assigned to children of God.  (Hebrews 1:14)
• I belong to God.  (1 John 3:1)
• I have a job to do here on earth that is not complete. (Matthew 28:19)

So when tragedy and heartache seem to be taking over, remember that God is in control. Surrender your heart to Him and allow Him to work in your heart as you wait out the storm.

^{John 16:33} “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Tired of the drama?

We have all been there.  We try really hard to have a healthy work environment, social circle, and family relationships but every once in a while we get sucked into the “drama” we would rather avoid.

Here are some warning signs that you are entering unsafe territory.

1. There is a person in your group that is always trying to one-up you.  They are not happy when others succeed and are constantly trying to make you feel like they are superior to you.
2. Someone comes to you with a “problem” they are having with another person in your office and is not willing to go to that person directly. This gossip-fueled method is called “triangulation”.  Instead of working together to resolve the conflict with the other person, they just talk bad about them and pit people against them.  I have seen this happen and it can destroy a workplace culture or a family dynamic.
3. Someone in the group is not vulnerable. This person does not want anyone to really know them and is more concerned with image or status than the health of the social group. When confronted, this person will not admit any wrong doing so true fellowship and resolution can not happen.
4. When a person is controlling and will not allow you to have close friendships with other people, the definite result will be unneeded drama. You should be allowed to have many friends and entertain lots of different people. If you feel like your friend will not share you with others, this is a sign that they will cause drama.

Can people change?

Yes.  Absolutely. That is what the grace of God is all about.  There have been times when looking back, I have been the cause of the “drama”.  They key to all this is that when confronted, does the person accept responsibility and want to change?  If so, you know that the relationship has the potential to be healthy.  On the flip side, if the person denies responsibility and is unwilling to change, then it might be time to put some space in the friendship.  How do you do that?  With truth and love. It is your fault if you keep allowing the same person to mistreat you. You have to make changes, set boundaries and enforce rules with consequences to keep your relationship circles healthy.

I am devoting time each week to learning how to have healthier relationships.  I’m listening to podcasts, reading and implementing what I am learning.  It takes LOTS of work to change years of wrong patterns and thinking but I am seeing positive change and I am becoming a stronger person. I would suggest you check out Boundaries.me if you would like more involved training in growing in your relationship health.

Let’s all work on keeping our circles positive, healthy and drama-free!

What is draining the life out of you?

I am a people person.  I am energized by hanging out with friends.   I love activities, hosting parties and being tightly connected with my friends and loved ones.   I really don’t like to miss out on anything fun and consider myself to be pretty spontaneous.

But I reach my limit.  As anyone, extrovert or not, eventually does.  And sometimes I feel regret because I don’t have the energy to spend on the people or activities that are most important to me.

26 years of being an adult “in the real word”  have taught me a few lessons on balance and not getting the life drained out of me.   You have to set healthy boundaries on activities and relationships in order to make sure you have time to devote to those that are “life-giving”. Here’s how:

1.  Don’t over schedule the day.  This just causes undo stress and no one gets the best of you.  Plan less so you can be more present with the ones you are with.
2.  Prioritize mornings.  Wake up early enough to have your quiet time, take the dog out, clean up the kitchen and get the kids ready for school.  This means going to bed early enough!
3. Say “NO” and feel good about it.  There are only 24 hours in a day.  Most of us sleep for 7 hours and work for 9 hours.  That leaves 8 hours for family, travel time, kids’ activities and household duties.  You do not have that much time in your day left so make decisions wisely.  You can not say yes to every invitation.  You definitely need to say “no” to someone who is inviting you to do something that you don’t want to do or is not good for you.  And you do not need a reason.  Just say, “No thank you,” and keep it at that.  You do not owe anyone an explanation.  If they do not accept your “no” then that is a sign they are trying to control you.  There are some relentless people out there and you do not need to feel badly for your decision to decline their invitation.
4. Protect your time and your family.  Each day you need to be able to be available to the opportunities God asks you to join Him in.  This means that you are going to have to say no to numerous other people and activities.  You do not have to explain yourself to people.  At the end of the day, you are accountable to God for how you spend your time and energy.  He is the one you need approval from.  Over the years there have been people upset with me when I have said “no” to their request.  I absolutely hate hurting anyone’s feelings!  But I have to give that to the Lord and not worry what others think of me.
5. Let go of the hurt.  Because I am such a people person, I get my feelings hurt easily.  I have wasted so much time thinking about the past and feeling sad.  I have gone out of my way to do things for people in their time of need, only to be forgotten when the tables are turned.  It drains my time and energy to dwell on these things so I have learned to discipline my mind to think about other things.
6. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Philippians 4:8
7. Know who your real friends are.  Quit giving excuses for others who don’t show up for you.  Move on.  Count your blessings.  Look around and see all the Lord has blessed you with.  In times of crisis, God has given me WONDERFUL people who love and encourage me.   These “life-givers” have blessed me in so many ways and I will focus my time and energy on these relationships.

Making these kinds of decisions takes thoughtfulness and strength.  Seek the Lord to guide you.  I would also encourage you to reach out to a mentor or professional counselor if you are struggling with boundary issues.  I meet with  mine a few times a year and it is so helpful.

Other suggested resources:

Boundaries  By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Jerry Townsend

Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Jerry Townsend

Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason

Trent Shelton You Tube videos.

Proverbs 31 Podcast Therapy and Theology

It’s Never Too Late

Not sure how I have gotten here so fast but I am past the halfway point in life!  I am typically not a risk-taker but this year is much different.  I’m stepping out, risking more and my eyes are more open than ever to where God is at work around me.  Here are a few things I am being challenged to explore.

It’s never too late to…

1. Make a new friend.  You may feel like your life is full but God may be bringing someone into your life that will bless you immeasurably.  Open your heart to new people!
2. Say you’re sorry. If you are feeling guilty over a wrong you committed, either knowingly or by accident, take steps to reconcile.  I have been blessed by friends who have reached out and reconciled over a misunderstanding.  And when I have been faithful to ask for forgiveness, a huge weight has been lifted off of me, and often, a friendship is restored.
3. Start a new hobby. Take up tennis, photography, gardening, painting, cross-stitching…whatever!  Go for it.  You may like it!  Jessie and I are taking a stab at propagating succulents!  
4. Pour into a younger woman. You may not feel like you have much to offer but you have life experiences that might help someone younger than you.  God has brought me several new young women to invest in.  And I have a beautiful friend who is 82 years old and she prays over me, loves me and speaks truth to me.  She is such a godly example and has taken time to love and champion me.  Who has God brought in your path to encourage?  Start doing it!
5. Love people more. Not just half-hearted, fake and empty love but the kind that takes risk, effort and sacrifice.  Don’t allow past hurts to keep you from being the love of Christ to others.
6. Pursue a deeper walk with Christ that is real and personal. Have you been an “observer” or are you engaging in a deep walk with Christ? If you need help getting started, ask your small group leader or a Pastor for guidance.
7. Become open-minded.  I am allowing God to open my mind and heart as I study His word and asking for a fresh revelation.
8. Be yourself.  It takes so much courage to be vulnerable but in the end, it makes you feel whole-hearted when you can let your walls down with your trusted friends. 
   

   Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see – how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him.  Psalm 34:8

A Time To Heal

 

Physical healing after a trauma is painful and slow.  There are limbs to set and cast, stitches to sew, antibiotic treatment to ensure the infection goes away and often surgeries to repair damaged organs.

Wounds can not be covered with old skin.  That skin is dead and diseased.  New , healthy skin must grow and it takes time.  And along the way the scab can reopen and begin to bleed again.  There can be setbacks in the healing process.

The same can be said for emotional healing after a loss.

You can not bounce back overnight from an emotional trauma.

It takes hard work and a lot of patience to allow the heart to heal. As my sweet counselor reminded me, Only God Can Heal a Broken Heart.  She spoke truth that encouraged me to take steps to begin the healing in the midst of the grieving.  I surrendered my grief to God and allowed Him to do with it what He wanted to.

1. I had to acknowledge the brutal facts.
2. I had to own my part.
3. I had to look to God to fill all of the empty places that I was wanting people to fill.
4. I had to replace the lies I was believing with the truth of God’s word.
5. I had to listen to those wiser than me.
6. I had to take my eyes off myself.
7. I had to accept the new normal.
8. I had to look at all the Lord has blessed me with and not what I had lost.
9. I had to obey what He was leading me to do.
10. I had to allow my heart to open back up and love and be loved.

All of this took effort.  If you are struggling emotionally,  I really and truly am hurting alongside you.  There are days when the sadness is all-consuming.  If someone you love is in a dark place, continue to reach out and let them know you love and care about them.  Be patient with their progress but also nudge them along.  Send them scriptures that will quiet their anxious heart and remind them how high, long, deep and wide is the love of Jesus.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Space Between

Sam Chand calls it the “Hallway”.  Beth Moore calls it the “Middle”.  Lysa TerKeurst describes it as “ In Between  Two Gardens.” Whatever you want to call it, I have come to a new understanding of what it means to walk with God in extremely difficult circumstances.  These could be a diagnosis, an infidelity, a death, financial crisis, a betrayal, a rebellious child or an unexpected job loss.

What does it feel like to be in the “Space Between”?

For me, it felt surreal at first.  I felt sick to my stomach and scared.  Then I was angry.  Probably the maddest I have been in my life.  I literally screamed and shouted in my empty living room.

The next few days were long. Each minute my heart seemed to break a little more.  I had to keep going and appear strong because so many were depending on me.

One evening I asked a friend how I was going to survive this?  The answer I got was honesty from his soul, “I’m not sure.”

So that is where I spent the next several months.  “I am not sure” seemed to be the answer to many of my questions.  I don’t like that answer and I want to know NOW what God is doing and how He is going to work it all out.

Because “I am not sure” was the answer to most questions,

• I became insecure.  I kept looking for something to stand on.  I wanted a solid ground and stable footing.
• I tried to take control.  My knee-jerk reaction was to plan how God was going to work it all out for good.
• I cried.  A lot. And because typically  I am not a crier, this felt very scary.
• I felt empty inside.  Like the air had been taken out of a newly inflated helium balloon.  And it happened all at once.  With the prick of a pin, I popped.

I felt this way for many months.  That is the “Middle.”  The “Space Between” the horrendous circumstance and its resolution.

The Bible tells us how His people have spent time in this place throughout history.  Consider Moses in the wilderness waiting to enter the Promised land and also Noah in the time between building the ark and the Lord sending the flood.   Think about Sarah.  She is infertile.  Then God promises her a child.  Not just one but many.  Then she has this incredibly long and hard waiting period.  This was her “Middle”.  The time when you are waiting for God to come through.

It may sound trite but at the lowest, God gave me the grace to look in and to look up.  For years I had felt God leading me into a deeper relationship with Him but I was content.  It was unnecessary.  Looking back, I should have obeyed the first time He asked me to give him more of my heart.

What is God doing in the dark, lonely places?

• He is reaffirming His love.  Over and over in Scripture He tells us that His love is unfailing.  That He is our Rock and Refuge and ever-present help in times of trouble.
• He is refining.  There are a lot of places in our hearts that need to be softened and strengthened.
• He is reaffirming His call on our lives.  I remember a specific moment in the “space between” when He impressed on my heart and soul that He still wanted me to serve Him at Graystone church.  It was a little glimpse into what is to come.
• He is drawing us into a relationship with Him that is so precious.

My friend, if you have found yourself stuck in the middle, embrace this time and trust that He is in it with you.  Thank Him for His promises to sustain you.  Never forget that what He is doing in this season is truly remarkable.

⁸ We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. ⁹ We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. ¹⁰ Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

 

Standing My Ground

The Battle…who are you “at war” with?

My first opponent I am sure was my sister.  She’s 21 months younger and we were the best of friends and rivals at times.  Although I don’t remember that many fights, I am sure I pushed her around!

In the 5th grade I remember fighting with my best friend, Julie.  Our teacher could tell when we were “at war” and would send us into the hall until we worked it out.  We always did.

As a freshman in college I was at war with myself.  I struggled with self image issues and being a people pleaser.

I had a battle with my now 21 year old son when he was 2 years old.  I put him on my bed and told him he could not move until he said that he was sorry.  MISTAKE.  That kid was stubborn and stood his ground and never said he was sorry….I lost that one.

When our youngest child was 6 years old, she was diagnosed with ADHD, we had to battle with the school to make sure she was given a 504 plan for her medical condition.

I have also fought some private battles.  We all have.  These are painful and for now, too personal to share with the world.

But the battle God has led me to write about today is very different in nature.  It’s the kind of war we hear about in sermons, sing about in worship and read about in the scriptures but until last year, I have never felts its effects so strongly.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.   Ephesians 6:12

I don’t think I understood  what the “day of evil” looked like.  I do now. What did God want me to do?  Stand my ground.  To not be moved or shaken.  To not allow the evil forces at work to destroy me.  

God also wanted me to obey.  To listen to His voice and obey.  

• I heard His voice in scripture.  
• I heard His voice in music.  Check out Mosaic MSC.
• I heard His voice in the prayers of our parents, siblings and children.
• I heard His voice at the yoga studio.  Yes, you read that right.
• I heard His voice in podcasts (Beth Moore, Jennifer Rothschild, Lysa TerKeurst to name a few).
• I heard His voice in texts and calls and letters sent from my sisters in Christ.

I did not have to fight.  God did that.  I had to obey what He told me.

The battle is not over.  It will not be over until we are in heaven.

But I am standing my ground.

Not in my own strength, though.

 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Ephesians 6:10

 

 

 

“Can you handle criticism without crumbling?”

This was the subject line for an email I received this morning from one of my favorite Christian authors, Jennifer Rothschild.  I chuckled as I clicked on the blog post because just this week, we received a punch-in-the-gut kind of email filled with unkind and mean-spirited criticism.

I have been criticized before.  We all have.  It never feels good.  But grace-filled constructive criticism that is meant for good is purposeful.  The kind of criticism meant to inflict pain makes me want to crumble.  It takes a lot of energy to process criticism correctly.  As I was praying through my feelings this morning I began to journal about love and forgiveness and I prayed and asked God to show me how to love like He does.  He answered my prayer immediately through Jennifer’s podcast.

Here are some notes that I took while listening:

Hebrews 10:39. We are not like those who shrink back and are destroyed.

1. Get back up. You always fall on the grace of God.  Unkind criticism always lacks grace.  Truth and grace go hand in hand.  Stand up even if you feel crushed.  Let go of the hurt.  It lightens us.  Holding onto hurt is like holding on to heavy weights.  Give God’s grace to others.  We are all flawed.

2. Get back out there.  Don’t hide. Give the grace you wish you had been given.

 

Let’s love each other and give each other some grace!

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8